What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
