YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
