You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
