If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
