remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
