Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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