I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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