All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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