dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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