I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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