It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
