thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
