seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
