you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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