i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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