What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
