My first STD was from a foam party
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
