I only kidnapped one of them. chill
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
