Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
