you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
