Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
