I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
