My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
