so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
