Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
