the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
