then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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