...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
