Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
