i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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