i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
