I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
True strength comes from lack of pants
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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