Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
