I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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