I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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