This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's shark week go big or go home
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
