I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
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I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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