Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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