that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
