Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
my shit smells like andre
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
