i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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