i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
