well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
