fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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