Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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