the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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