I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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