broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
