Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
50% drunk capacity currently
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
