Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
