grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
