im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
