I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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