i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
