Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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