i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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